There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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