Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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