maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
