I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
