I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
