I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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