He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
