you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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