After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
me + whiskey = a bad person
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
