It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
