just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
