Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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