the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
