The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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