i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
