dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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