Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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