i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
