Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
