Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
