It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It's official drugs can't kill me
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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