but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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