dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
