just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Randomize
