I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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