Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
