Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I want a musical about memes.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
