Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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