I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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