He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Randomize
