I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
