I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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