I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
bring money and cleavage
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
