does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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