I got chris browned last night
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
