By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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