Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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