If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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