remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
