Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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