is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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