My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
