i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
