i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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