Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
