My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
