Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Text me some of your sweat
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
