A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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