I didn't shave. On purpose
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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