Moan for me like Helen Keller
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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