# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
