I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
