I accidentally had phone sex last night
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I want her autograph on my taint
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
